Sunday, March 28, 2010

something my heart could not forget

My long-delayed move to Portland, OR is coming up soon. May 3rd. I genuinely considered moving it back another month after Pearl Jam's spring tour announcement in which there would have been at least three shows I'd gone to if I was still in the great northeast, but alas, I resisted such temptation. If their last album was any indication, they'll be around for a while, so I'll have other opportunities.

I've been dreaming lately of late-night bike rides through those city streets, surrounded by warm air and friendly strangers. I have a really good feeling about this. And hopefully Mr. Mauer will be joining me out there soon, right pal?

I was up late last night thinking about the aforementioned bike ride, listening to some tunes, and decided to make a mix for such an occasion... actually, first I was reading some Whitman, and the mix started off as a Whitman tribute, but I deviated... at any rate as I was choosing songs (which, by the way, takes an inordinate amount of time. It generally takes me about 3 hours to throw together a mix for something silly like 8tracks or an ipod playlist... if we're talking a mix for a person, jeez, days; there's just so many songs that need to be listened to in full in order to determine if they make the cut) I found myself choosing love songs and having absolutely no one in mind to attribute them to. That was a liberating discovery. I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone who reads this, but, for me, it was transcendent. I've loved many different women for many different reasons, in varying degrees of scope. You could deconstruct the word love for days (more than any other word in the English language, I think, save perhaps God) and list off the different forms it takes, but what's the point... what is the point? Ah, yes, the point is that though I have loved many women, in situations where that love has been said, or unsaid; constant, or fleeting; accepted, or rejected; requited, or unrequited; tangible, or abstract; it's always been beautiful, even when it was painful. And there's always associations: a color, a smell, that row of benches, those trees on the ridge, origami, a ticket stub, a wine cork, a folded note, a song. And even when you love someone new you'll cross paths with these associations someday, and maybe you'll cry, or grimace, but you should probably smile, because your heart needed that to get here. You don't have to be in love with that person anymore to be in love with that time, that rapture, and all those ruinations.

So I was thinking about that as I realized I had no associations in my song choices. And I felt liberated. I felt buoyant, and vital, and eager. And I realized that what I love most, right now, at this moment, is a question mark, or a series or question marks, that will eventually lead to a period.


5 comments:

plaguerat said...

you write beautifully.

Matthew said...

I find this to be one of my favorite things you have written.

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I've Got Nothing to Do Today but Smile said...

Hello my blog friend,
It's been awhile. I loved reading this post. I think I can connect to you so well! Sometimes I have these crazy urges to make a play list of music I so strongly adore and then I realize the only person I'd want to share it with is someone I love equally to the songs. Other times, however, it is freeing to make yourself a play list and be selfish with it. A moment shared alone isn't always as lonesome as some say it is. Good luck with your move!

Nubian said...

How was your move? I moved to Oregon a month ago and feel as though I am finally home.