a heart stained in anger grows weak and grows bitter

sometimes I wish life was more like the movies; I don't mean I wish every life experience had a third-act flight-or-flight sequence or that we are all destined to become dynamic characters and either walk off into the sunset or commit suicide, but rather that we all had an audience, because even the most vile characters are felt deeply, given an audience, and the most beautiful ones are applauded or cried over; it's the audience that makes these people important - but we just go through everything with only a few people noticing and even those that do have no real insight into our own moral dilemmas or greatest achievements and so we have to try and imagine what somebody would think of us given everything that we have done and I think we all do that for a little while until we're left with nobody but ourselves to be our own jury and we wish somebody would come and burst into that courtroom and deliver a speech on par with Al Pacino's rant in Scent of a Woman, but that shit isn't going to happen

i was wading neck deep in a river today my toes barely touching and struggling to wrap around a slippery rock as to avoid being carried away by the current so i could keep looking forward at the tall trees and crumbling cliffs that wrapped around perfectly framing the sun falling down the skyline casting shadows across the water and at that moment i felt totally at peace despite today's decision and i felt blissful and a little stoned but entirely balanced and i came home and felt even better because i think the smell of sun-stained skin in the evening is a beautiful smell that incites feelings of youthful abandon and pantheism and then one phone call shattered all of those feelings and replaced them with self-doubt and knee-jerk mechanisms of anger and sorrow and i tried to speak in a way that reflected my thought-process but it was lost and i was meant to feel bad for something that was good and it ended so quickly and i just want to be back in that water and stop wrenching the muscles in my calves down to my toes and pass over that rock and be carried down into the sun